December 3rd 2016
I am sitting down on the floor after my son Joel has kicked me off the sofa, half watching Wizard of Oz and taking time to reflect on the highs and lows of life. For those that don’t know me I have 3 children, one beautiful healthy boy and two angels watching down on me and my family from heaven.
Losing a child at any age is a tragedy that hurts and turns your life completely upside down. The emotional roller coaster is incredible some days it feels like I just can not function, like I am on the planet but as a by stander who watches everything else move whilst I stay static. I feel sorry and useless that I could not change the outcomes and could not give my Joel the brother and sister he deserved. Then there are days where I feel this strange feeling of happiness because the love for my angel babies is incredible and I don’t want them to think they made me sad for my life time, they have become my inspiration, gave me a desire to make the best of a heart breaking situation, the will to be a better nicer person.
Then I think of my Joel and how normal stillbirth is to him because we never shied away from telling him about his big sister Jasmine, so when we told him about Freddie and how he didn’t grow big enough and is in the sky with Jasmine, his reaction was priceless “did he do a big burp and go small?” he was not shocked or surprised about it he did get a bit jealous that Freddie had gone to be with Jasmine because that was HIS sister. The last couple of weeks he has been asking when Jasmine will come down to play with him or how can he get up to the sky to see her, and he had a frog toy that he said he was saving for Freddie when he got older but he never did get older. I am not sure quite what to say to these things but it’s lovely to see how much love a 3 year old has for a Sister and Brother he has never met.
This boy is my rock and makes this journey I am on so much easier to cope.
Then there is my Wife, she denies it but she is the strongest woman I have ever met. How she copes after going through 3 pregnancies and having only 1 to live with us I will never know. She probably feels like a failure, I hope that it doesn’t burden her too much, for she is more wonderful than you would ever know and is quite simply the greatest Mum in the world.
Before I go I seen this photo the other day and it pretty much sums up the world of a bereaved parent.