Christmas time since 2012 has been pretty surreal trying to keep on top of your emotions. Death of anyone close to you always seems to touch you more at this time of year, the wishing you could see them and speak with them and missing them dearly, but then trying to be happy because it is the festive season after all, a time for cheer and merry times. I have found that Christmas each year gets a little bit harder, I always try to visualise how Jasmine would be each year, this year she would have been 4, no doubt she would be flicking through the Argos catalogue picking out nearly every item in the book, but I can have no certainty over what she would like.
So when I am shopping for Joel getting his latest craze (teenage mutant ninja turtles this week) and Spiderman even though he has never watched an episode in his life, I also go down some aisles that get me thinking of and missing my eldest Angel, the toy that sets me off is Sylvanian Families. I don’t know if it is because of nostalgia of toys in my household when I was younger but just for a few moments I will look at the cute furry creatures and imagine playing in her bedroom, being bossed about by her to pour the cups of tea for the mice and the rabbits at the Sylvanian palace tea party. I day dream about the smile she would have and how she so would have been a daddies girl.
This year is the toughest yet because Freddie was due on the 27th December, but would likely have been delivered this week. So what should have been the most amazing Christmas is one filled with a lot of sadness, yet at the same time this is the first year Joel understands about Christmas and so especially for him we have to make the very best of a bad situation. I will smile through and make sure he has the greatest Christmas but deep inside I am aching.
This week we as a family have done a lot of festive things with Joel, he has been ice skating and seen Santa with his best friend Ollie and his cousins Zellie and Aalliyah, We also had a lovely time at his friends xmas party and we enjoyed a trip to London visiting the Science museum and the Winter Wonderland as well as searching for Christmas lights everywhere.
Also this week on Sunday we went to the Northamptonshire Sands Christmas Service, we didn’t go last year as it is a beautifully sad event and there comes a point where you cant handle the beautifully sad, instead opting to try and make it a happy time, however with Freddie we felt it was important we went.
The service as always is emotional, a few carols were sang and then the hardest part of the service, going to add a decoration to the tree followed by the readings of the babies names of whom we remember that evening. The list harrows me, it is too long and it shows how many families are rocked by their babies dying too soon. They play a song called in the arms of an angel, at this point there is barely a dry eye in the room, it also opens up moments that warm the heart. Joel was sat on his mum’s lap when the song began and he senses the emotion and just gives his mum a nice cuddle and 2 kisses, seeing that moment is the picture of pure unconditional love.